I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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