I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
