guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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