that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
