i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
