You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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