Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Dear god my vagina.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
