I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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