if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
