Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
