It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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