I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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