my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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