My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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