Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
