I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
