when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
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Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
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Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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