i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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