I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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