I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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