It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
