Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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