How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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