apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Found your dick twin last night
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
