it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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