Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
