Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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