I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
