It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
