I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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