omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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