I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
