I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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