Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
