Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
