theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
