so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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