Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
