Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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