capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
