No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
