dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
