It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
