So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
