I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
