gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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