We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
