dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
