Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
worst night to have a conscience
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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