The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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