i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
