my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Randomize
