Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
