Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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