I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
