You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
