Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
